I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
