i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
