seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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