She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
