do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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