Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
