Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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