the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
