Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
