Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
