Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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