How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
