They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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