I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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