my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
