wat bout pragnant strippers??
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
