Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
