im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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