Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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