When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
