Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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