Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
