True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
