So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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