I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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