this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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