i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
