i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
