all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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