You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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