what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
