Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
