Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
