We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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