I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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