It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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