Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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