You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
