I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Randomize
