where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
