my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
