If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
