ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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