The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
