So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
