I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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