New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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