I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
