im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Randomize
