I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
