i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
