I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
