in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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