I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
